If
you are someone who has to plan a funeral due to the
loss of a loved one, or perhaps you are attending a
service for a family member or friend, here are some
explanations of terms and situations you may find yourself
having to address.
The funeral is a ceremony of proven worth and value
for those who mourn. It provides an opportunity for the survivors and others
who share in the loss to express their love, respect, grief and appreciation
for a life that has been lived. It permits facing openly and realistically the
crisis the death presents. Through the funeral the bereaved take that first step
toward emotional adjustment to their loss. This information has been prepared
as a convenient reference for modern funeral practices and customs.
The
Funeral Service
The type of service conducted
for the deceased is specified by the family. Funeral directors
are trained to assist families in arranging whatever type
of service they desire. The service, held either at a place
of worship or at the funeral home with the deceased present,
varies in ritual according to denomination. The presence
of friends at this time is an acknowledgement of friendship
and support. It is helpful to friends and the community to
have an obituary notice published announcing the death and
type of service to be held.
Private
Service
This service is by invitation only and may be held at
a place of worship, a funeral home or a family home. Usually, selected relatives
and a few close friends attend the funeral service. Often public visitation is
held, condolences are sent, and the body is viewed.
Memorial
Service
A memorial service is a service without the body present
and can vary in ceremony and procedures according to the community and religious
affiliations. Some families prefer public visitations followed by a private or
graveside service with a memorial service later at the church or funeral home.
Pallbearers
Friends, relatives, church members or business associates
may be asked to serve as pallbearers. The funeral director will secure pallbearers
if requested to do so by the family.
Honorary
Pallbearers
When the deceased has been active in political, business,
church or civic circles, it may be appropriate for the family to request close
associates of the deceased to serve as honorary pallbearers. They do not actively
carry the casket.
Eulogy
A eulogy may be given by a member of the family, clergy,
a close personal friend or a business associate of the deceased. The eulogy is
not to be lengthy, but should offer praise and commendation and reflect the life
of the person who has died.
Dress
Wearing colorful clothing is no longer inappropriate
for relatives and friends. Persons attending a funeral should be dressed in good
taste so as to show dignity and respect for the family and the occasion.
Funeral Procession/Cortege
When the funeral ceremony and the burial are both held
within the local area, friends and relatives may accompany the family to the
cemetery. The procession is formed at the funeral home or place of worship. The
funeral director can advise you of the traffic regulations and procedures to
follow while driving in a funeral procession.
Condolences
The time of death is a very confusing time for family
members. No matter what your means of expressing your sympathy, it is important
to clearly identify yourself to the family.
Flowers
Sending a floral tribute is a very appropriate way of
expressing sympathy to the family of the deceased. Flowers express a feeling
of life and beauty and offer much comfort to the family. A floral tribute can
either be sent to the funeral home or the residence. If sent to the residence,
usually a planter or a small vase of flowers indicating a person's continued
sympathy for the family is suggested. The florist places an identification card
on the floral tribute. At the funeral home the cards are removed from the floral
tributes and given to the family so they may acknowledge the tributes sent.
Mass Cards
Mass cards can be sent either by Catholic or non-Catholic
friends. The offering of prayers is a valued expression of sympathy to a Catholic
family. A card indicating that a Mass for the deceased has been arranged may
be obtained from any Catholic parish. In some areas it is possible to obtain
Mass cards at the funeral home. The Mass offering card or envelope is given to
the family as an indication of understanding, faith and compassion. Make sure
that your name and address is legible and that you list your postal code. This
will make it easier for the family to acknowledge your gift.
Memorial Donations
A memorial contribution, to a specific cause or charity,
can be appreciated as flowers. A large number of memorial funds are available,
however the family may have expressed a preference. Memorial donations provide
financial support for various projects. If recognized as a charitable institution,
some gifts may be deductible for tax purposes. Your funeral director is familiar
with them and can explain each option, as well as furnish the donor with "In
Memoriam" cards, which are given to the family.
Sympathy Cards
Sending a card of sympathy, even if you are only an
acquaintance, is appropriate. It means so much to the family members to know
they are in good thoughts. The card should be in good taste and in keeping with
your relationship to the family of the deceased.
Personal Note
A personal note of sympathy is very meaningful. Express
yourself openly and sincerely. An expression such as "I'm sorry to learn
of your personal loss" is welcomed by the family and can be kept with other
messages.
Telephone Calls
Speaking to a family member gives you an opportunity
to offer your services and make them feel you really care. If they wish to discuss
their recent loss, don't hesitate to talk to the person about the deceased. Be
a good listener. Sending a telegram expressing your sympathy is also appropriate.
Visitation
Your presence at the visitation demonstrates that although
someone has died, friends still remain. Your presence is an eloquent statement
that you care.
Visitation provides a time and place for friends to
offer their expression of sorrow and sympathy, rather than awkwardly approaching
the subject at the office, supermarket or social activities. The obituary/death
notice will designate the hours of visitation when the family will be present
and will also designate the times when special services such as lodge services
or prayer services may be held. Persons may call at the funeral home at any time
during suggested hours of the day or evening to pay respects, even though the
family is not present. Friends and relatives are requested to sign the register
book. A person's full name should be listed e.g. "Mrs. John Doe". If
the person is a business associate, it is proper to list their affiliation as
the family may not be familiar with their relationship to the deceased.
Friends should use their own judgement on how long they
should remain at the funeral home or place of visitation. If they feel their
presence is needed, they should offer to stay.
When the funeral service is over, the survivors often
feel very alone in dealing with their feelings. It is important that they know
you are still there. Keep in touch.
Sympathy
Expressions
When a person calls at the funeral home, sympathy can
be expressed by clasping hands, an embrace, or a simple statement of condolence,
such as:
"I'm sorry."
"My sympathy to you."
"It was good to know John."
"John was a fine person and a friend of mine. He will be missed."
"My sympathy to your mother."
The family member in return may say:"Thanks for coming."
"John talked about you often."
"I didn't realize so many people cared."
"Come see me when you can."
Encourage the bereaved to express their feelings and
thoughts, but don't overwhelm them.
Acknowledgements
The family should acknowledge the flowers and messages
sent by relatives and friends. When food and personal services are donated, these
thoughtful acts also should be acknowledged, as should the services of the pallbearers.
The funeral director may have available printed acknowledgement cards which can
be used by the family. When the sender is well known to the family, a short personal
note should be written on the acknowledgment card expressing appreciation for
a contribution or personal service received. The note can be short, such as:
"Thank
you for the beautiful roses. The arrangement was lovely."
"The food you sent was so enjoyed by our family. Your kindness is deeply
appreciated."
In some communities it is a practice to insert a public
thank you in the newspaper. The funeral director can assist you with this.
Children at Funerals
At a very early age, children have an awareness of and
a response to death. Children should be given the option to attend visitation
and the funeral service. The funeral director can advise you on how to assist
children at the time of a funeral and can provide you with additional information
and literature.
Grief
Recovery
It is healthy to recognize death and discuss it realistically
with friends and relatives. When a person dies, there is grief that needs to
be shared. Expressions of sympathy and the offering of yourself to help others
following the funeral are welcomed. It is important that we share our grief with
one another. Your local funeral director can help family and friends locate available
resources and grief recovery programs in your area.
Help a Grieving Friend
Be a listener
Grieving people often find they need to talk about what's
happened and how they feel about it. You don't have to fix their grief or cheer
them up, but you can share the load just by being there to listen.
It's
all right to cry
There's no need to say "be brave" or "be
strong." Crying helps emotions to be released so they won't get bottled
up. To give permission for tears, anger or any other emotions will let your friend
know you aren't uncomfortable with their grief.
Stay
in touch
Remember that grief doesn't go away in a few short weeks.
Even one year may not be long enough to adjust to changes in your life. So, a
friend who calls in 3, 6, or 12 months time may be one of the few who still asks
how things are going. Special days like birthdays or Christmas may be just the
time to pick up the phone and say, "I was thinking of you today."
